Gawd help me, I love this record. I know I shouldn’t but I think the great Hylda Baker could turn even a duff novelty record into comedy gold. The way she sings “my heart is set on yooooooo” just cracks me up and makes me think of her as pickle heiress Nellie Pledge in the early 70s sitcom “Nearest & Dearest”, calling Jimmy Jewel a big girl’s blouse, looking at her watch and saying “It’s quarter-past… ooh I must get a little hand put on this watch” or uttering some silly malapropism like “and I can say that without fear of contraception.”

Hylda was born in Bolton in 1905 and went to a school with the brilliantly Dickensian name of Plodder Lane. She was a big variety star in the 1950s and had small parts in the films “Saturday Night and Sunday Morning”, “Up The Junction” (she played an abortionist in both those) and “Oliver!” before turning her talent to sitcoms. In 1978 some bright spark had the idea of getting her to record a duet of “You’re The One That I Want” with cockney comic actor Arthur Mullard who had made a career out of having a face like the back of a bus and talking like he had a mouthful of spanners. The big joke behind this concept being that this teenage love song was sung by two ugly old duffers who couldn’t carry a tune. Unfortunately when the record hit the charts the duo made a train-wreck of an appearance on Top of The Pops where they fluffed their lines and looked like they didn’t know where they were (sadly I couldn’t find a video online). It may be the only time in pop history that a record has actually gone down in the charts after being on the show. The truth was Hylda probably didn’t have a clue what was going on as she’d been suffering from Alzheimer’s for several years.

They recorded a whole album together called “Band On The Trot” which seems to be rarer than hen’s teeth these days. I’ve only heard a couple of tracks but the joke wears more than a bit thin after the one song. You probably think it wears out long before that but don’t hate me for liking this.

Download: You’re The One That I Want – Arthur Mullard and Hylda Baker (mp3)