The Birds and The Bees

Originally published August 2008

I can’t remember how and when I found out how babies were made but I distinctly remember not knowing. When I was very young there was a rumour going around my Primary School that the older sister of a friend of mine was on something called “the Pill” and while I had no idea what that was I gathered it was something scandalous and to do with having a baby. So my innocent mind put 2 and 2 together and came up with 3: for a while I actually thought a girl got pregnant by taking a pill. But back then the thought of just kissing a girl scared me out of my short trousers – I’d run a mile when they started playing kiss chase – so God knows how I’d have reacted to the idea that grown ups did, you know, that.

Even though I knew nothing of the intimate details of love I did actually have my first official “girlfriend” at the age of 10, though to be honest she was the one who asked me out. Her name was Simone Palmley (Simone sounds so exotic now, but we pronounced it See-mon because we were a bit common), a girl at my Primary School who I was told fancied me rotten and one day she came up to me in the playground and asked me out. Now, Simone was a nice-looking girl who also happened to be famous among the boys at school for being rather, um….well-developed for her age (“Blimey, she’s got bigger ones than me!” my mum said after she met her), so you’d think my reply would have been “Phwooooaar yes!” but instead I think I turned bright red and was so tongue-tied I had to be bullied into saying yes by her mates.

But at that age girls are scary creatures, they mature faster than us boys and are into things like clothes and make-up and kissing (yuck!) while we’re still snotty oiks who’d rather be playing football and reading comics. Simone was especially scary to a nervous Nellie like me because she looked so damn womanly, the dark-haired, curvy siren of the playground who seemed 10 going on 26. I never knew what to do with myself (or her) when she was around. During that summer when we were officially “going out” (which mostly involved going swimming at the local baths together) I could barely work up the courage to hold her hand and think I only kissed her twice, both times a hurried peck on the lips. I don’t know what other 10 year olds got up to, but for me it was too young for furtive gropings or snogging sessions in the back row of the pictures.

I don’t know what she was expecting from our “relationship” but it was probably more than what she got out of me. Little was I to know then but this was to become the defining characteristic of my future experience with the ladies: Kicking myself over golden opportunities missed because I was such a pathetic twerp and wistful thoughts of “If I knew then what I know now”.

Download: Girls – Moments and Whatnauts (mp3)

This seems like a very “school playground” record to me, I can’t really explain why but it’s probably just because it was a hit in 1974 when I was, you know, a kid at school.