Yes, that’s Rachel Welch wearing a Chelsea kit.

Even though I know this picture is real because Raquel was one of the many celebrity fans Chelsea had in the 60s and 70s it still looks like something from a dream I had when I was 12 years old.

Download: When I Dream – The Teardrop Explodes (mp3)

I wonder if I’m the only one — apart from Dutch fans — who was happy to see Brazil get dumped out of the World Cup last week because, frankly, I can’t stand them.

My animosity started during the 1998 World Cup when the American television commentators would cream their pants over them and couldn’t let a sentence go by without some drooling reference to “samba football” and “the beautiful game” whenever one of them did some poncy step-over as if no other team had skillful players or played good football and I resented the implication that to be against Brazil (by wanting France to win that final for instance) was to be against life itself.

They’re often called “everyone’s second-favourite team” when what they really are is the Manchester United of international football, treated like Gods who have a divine right to win everything and supported by people who haven’t been within 1,000 miles of Rio in their lives just because they win a lot and it’s “cool” to like them. We all hate those kids wearing United shirts who aren’t from Manchester and you see just as many non-Brazilians wearing their yellow shirts too — glory hunters the lot of them who all true football supporters should want to punch in the face. It’s easy to support Brazil, any idiot can do it (and they often do) or make them their “second favourite” team, but it takes real commitment to cheer for a team that lets you down more often than not (eg: Spain and Holland) and keep coming back for more, and you probably have to be mentally deranged to keep believing in England.

Admitedly most of that isn’t the fault of the Brazilian players themselves but they do also have those childish one-name nicknames — Ronaldinho, Juninho, Kaka (snigger), Dunga — which I find ridiculous and reason enough not to like them. Imagine if the England team came out with Lamps, JT, Crouchey, and Stevie G on the back of their shirts, you’d piss yourself laughing at them, wouldn’t you?

So yes, I’m a joyless bastard who hates Brazil. I also hate puppies, small children, cakes, and nice sunsets.

Download: Mas Que Nada – Tamba Trio (mp3)

Symptoms include: Lack of energy, poor vision, tired thinking, heavy legs, loose bowels, delusions of grandeur, the inability to hit a cow’s arse with a banjo. Symptoms may induce anxiety, momentary euphoria, and feelings of depression in others.

Download: That Same Old Feeling – Pickettywitch (mp3)

You can still dream, can’t you? That’s all we’ve done for the past 44 years.

I hope Chelsea play a bit better than this the last few games of the season.

Believe it or not but I don’t think I ever played Subbuteo, it looked a bit too finicky to me. I did have a Super Striker game though (with diving goalkeepers!) and my friends and I would have tournaments at my house during the summer holidays. Though as we were all Chelsea supporters there was always a bit of contention over who played with the blue team.